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Friday, June 19, 2015

A Love Song for the Married

I’ve been listening to the Classic Rock station lately. Some might rightly chastise me for turning the tuner away from Christian music channels. I get it; you are what you eat, right? I should be feeding my soul with fare that actually nourishes it. But sometimes I just crave a hit of Hendrix, Zeppelin, or the Cars.
Maybe this reveals some tacit refusal to fully renounce the lost years of my misspent youth?
One of the things I’ve realized while listening to stuff like the Cardigans’ “Kiss Me”, and Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”, and the Bee Gees’ “Too Much Heaven” is that most of the love songs on the radio are about new love, infatuation, and youthful discovery of the mysterious and exciting Other.
That’s awesome and all that, but we need more love songs for the older set, the long-married, we who share a bathroom while dressing to go out, flossing our teeth and tweezing stray hairs and saying things that would’ve never crossed our minds or lips during our courting days. Things like, “Would you pop that zit in the middle of my back? I can’t reach it.”
So I decided to write such a love song. I’m not gifted enough musically to compose a tune for it, but if anyone out there wants to put this to a guitar or keyboard, I think we’d have a major hit on our hands. I’ll go halfsies with you on the profits.
Here’s my love song for the married.

Do, Baby, Do

(She sings) Baby, when I see you in the misty morning light,
Pillow creases ‘cross your cheek, and sleep-dust in your lashes,
I see the same Beloved with whom I said “I do” that night—
At least until I grope at the side table for my glasses.

Make me sigh, make me swoon, trip my heartstrings softly:
Get up first and feed the kids, then bring me back some coffee.
Do, baby, do.
Do, baby, do.
That’s all I really want from you.

(He sings) Honey, when you do that thing you do that makes me wild,
It doesn’t matter to me if you’ve gained a pound or thirty.
We used to do it all the time before we had a child,
Now “We’re going to clean the house” is what you mean by “Let’s get dirty”.

Make me crazy, make me weak, light me like a Roman candle,
But please wear something else to bed tonight instead of flannel.
Do, honey, do.
Do, honey, do.
That’s all I really want from you.

(She sings) Darlin’, I’ve done bills and spills and homework, hair, and hoagies,
By five o’clock my body, mind, and soul are in a funk.
Then you come home and do that thing that turns my passions smoky:
You curl that Hefty bag with those sweet biceps, you fine hunk.

Make me shiver, make me quiver, my composure you disturb
When you empty all my trashcans and convey them to the curb.
Do, darlin’, do.
Do, darlin’, do.
That’s all I really want from you.

(He sings) Sweetheart, you know I love you, and I do just what I said,
‘Cause I’m a man good to my word, I’ve told you more than once.
I promised you I’d clean and pitch and organize the shed.
So why you gotta nag me on it every eighteen months?

Make me happy, make me smile, trust me and relax!
Uh—what’s that Goodwill truck doing parked around out back?
Do, sweetheart, do.
Do, sweetheart, do—
Hey! You! Come back here with my lawn mower!

(They sing) Baby, our odometer’s been racking up the miles
but you’re still my favorite ride, though your chassis’ kind of rusty
and your tires are thin and balding and you’ve got some broken dials
and your leather’s peeled and here and there it feels a little crusty.

But you make me crazy, make me laugh, you make my life complete.
If you’d shut the toilet, toothpaste, windows, all would be so sweet.
Do, baby, do.
Do, baby, do.
Do, baby, do.
But I like them open!
Do, baby, do.
Why can’t you shut them?
Do, baby, do.
It’s not that big a deal!
Do, baby, do.
What if the toothpaste gets dropped in the toilet?
Would you think it’s no big deal then?
Do, baby, do.
How would the toothpaste ever get dropped in the toilet?
That’s ridiculous!
Do, baby, do.
Like this!
Do, baby, do.
Oh, that’s real mature. You’re fishing that out, you know.
Do, baby, do.
If you’d closed the lid on either one it wouldn’t be an issue!
Do, baby, do.
I’m going to close your lid.
Oh yeah?
Do, baby, do.
Let’s see you try.
Are you flirting now? Seriously?
Do, baby, do.
Now you’re getting all up on me, is that it?
You’re pretty cute when you’re mad.
Do, baby, do.
The kids are at school.
Yes, they are.
Do, baby, do.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
Do, baby, do.
Come on, sweet cheeks.
Right behind you, honey buns.
Do, baby, do.

Interested record labels can reach me via the comments section below. Offers will be considered in the order they are received. Sign me now, while I’m still available.

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