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Wednesday, November 14, 2018

What Did I Do Wrong?

One of my kids is making some choices that align with the brokenness of the world rather than the wholeness of Truth. It’s breaking my heart, knowing that this chosen path, if pursued much further, leads to no good end. In my prayer time the other day I cried out to God, “What did I do wrong?”
He responded, with purest empathy, “What did I do wrong?”
We believe, as parents, that if we get it all right—send our kids to the right schools, pray the right scriptures, keep the bad stuff out and immerse our homes in the good stuff—we’ll erect a barrier around our children that will prevent them from ever straying from the good path. We love them, and give them all the truth and benefits we’re able, and deep down we really believe we have the power to protect them from themselves and from the world.
When someone else’s kid goes off the rails, drowns in a swimming pool, or climbs into the gorilla cage, the first thing the rest of us usually do is point fingers at the parents and say (if only in the silent, terrified pride of our own minds) that they somehow dropped the ball. We’d never let that happen to our kid.
I’m guilty of finger-pointing: What did you do to make your child turn to alcohol, get pregnant as a teenager, bully, shoplift, self-cut, shoot heroin, etc., etc.? Because I want to believe that I can make my kids be healthy, safe, and wise. That if I get it right, they’ll never be tempted to go wrong.
But it’s not true.
What did I do wrong? More than a few things.
What did God do wrong? Not a single thing.
He’s the perfect parent, the limitless provider, the wisest counselor. He’s never screwed up with a single one of us.
But I…
I traveled a labyrinth of dark trails between the time my parents’ control over me waned and I finally capitulated to God’s. Oh, I sinned. Why? Not because God’s love wasn’t good enough, but because my heart is dark, and my mind is conflicted, and my emotions are chaotic. I think I know what I’m doing all the time, but my own highest wisdom is laughable compared to God’s greatest foolishness.
My children all have that same agency. Every day they move further away from their father’s and my jurisdiction and closer to the end goal of being fully in charge of the management of their own lives. This is right, and the way it’s meant to be: children grow up and grow away.
And I can’t control their outcomes.
I’m butting heads with that truth right now. I can’t control this child. I can’t force insight, oblige wisdom, or coerce understanding. I still have power to enact consequences for behavior—thank God—but I have no power to govern my child’s heart. I never did. I never will.
This thing may be my fault. But it probably isn’t.
In the end, all of us have to negotiate the status of our own souls. We’ll stand alone, and account for what we chose and why.
All I can do is pray that God makes up for the ways I’ve screwed up parenting.
And I’ll hold onto the truth that he, in his perfection, loves this child even more than I do.
Right now that’s all I have.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh - heartbreaking! My mama's heart empathizes with you. I feel that inconvenient truth being uncovered in our home too. Lord, have mercy! Strengthen us for the path ahead to pray fiercely, show gracious love, and ultimately experience the supernatural peace of Christ with our kids.